Being a Robot

I've been at a loss for good blog ideas lately.  Some call it writers block, but I don't know how blocks relate to writing, so I'll refrain from using that phrase.

Anywho, I was just immediately inspired by a comment I read about myself on a friends Facebook page: "I found it hilarious at the time cuz andrew (that's me) was so gone (drunk) that he thought he was a robot."

This is possibly the coolest fact I've read about myself in a while.  It has inspired me to consider what life as a robot might be like.  I spent most of my time as a robot dancing.  I suppose that is what most robots spend their time doing: dancing.

If I were permanently a robot though I would probably spend less time dancing and more time getting a job.  Too many robots are stereotyped as being lazy, vengeful, and violent machines.  I would most likely apply to a position at NASA.  After being appointed the position of astronaut I would proceed to conquer space.  

After I returned to Earth I would invent the clock and continue to dispel robot stereotypes.  Then, once I have read every Wikipedia web-page ever constructed, and know every fact about everything ever, I will battle Ken Jennings at Jeopardy and defeat him before an audience of the 7 most intelligent and powerful people to ever live; Alex Trebec, Albert Einstein, Socrates, Harry Potter, God, Robin Williams as the Genie from Aladdin, and the voice of James Earl Jones.

If you're thinking right now, "Hey! Robots don't exist!"  That is false.  They absolutely do.  Stay out of Wyoming and Stanley Kubrick films, that's how they'll get you.

Some people say the future of robots is bright.  I tend to agree.  Every time I see a robot I'll think back to my time as a robot and recall the joy of being robotic.  So next time you see a robot, don't turn away in disgust or fear.  Don't grab for your purse, act as if they aren't there, or throw a hurtful slur their way.  Smile and say, "Hello robot, I respect you and what you stand for."  As the great Dr. King once said:

 "And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Robots, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

                Free at last! Free at last!  Thank God almighty we are free at last!"

Peace & Love homies

Real Humans Vote Democrat!

Here are ten, 100% true, completely reasonable, absurdly unbiased reasons why not to vote Republican in this upcoming election:

1. John McCain's medical record is longer than the King James edition of the Bible.
2. While in the Navy and during his time as a prisoner of war at the Hanoi Hilton, John McCain had numerous gay encounters and performed many abortions for the North Vietnamese, whom he was very friendly with.  Conservatives be warned!
3. 1 out of every 12 children will be eaten by John McCain.
   
4. If you vote Republican, you will go to Hell.  Even if you don't believe in it.
   
5. Cashews are the best looking, and most delicious nut.
6. White men can't jump.  John McCain is white.
7. John McCain says the word "maverick" too much.  Imagine if he learns a new word.
8. Sarah Palin: Alaska has been a state less than the amount of time John McCain has been alive.  She has tourettes. We might as well impeach her now for an imminent sexual scandal, Russian invasion, or bridge fiasco.  Alaskans have the same needs and wants as penguins, polar bears, and violins.  Maybe she should run for  President of the Animal Kingdom.
9. His slogan: "Country first ?" As opposed to what?  Pirates and Happy Meal toys?!
10. John McCain doesn't care about the little people. He hates midgets (see Stream of Idiocy).

"In Dick Morris' Defense, He Is a Lying Sack of Shit."

Can a brotha propagate fo' a quick second?

Click this, this, and this.  Most importantly: this (scroll to the bottom that one).

McCain '08!

Anyway, now on to the important stuff.

This little bit is entirely 100% inspired by comedic genius Michael Ian Black.

Some Things that Could/Couldn't Fit in My Car:

Could: A sandwhich.

Couldn't: The entire London Symphony Orchestra.

Could: A small tank of lobsters.

Couldn't: Pi.

Could: A basket of warm colored fruit.

Couldn't: Saturn.

Could: James.

Couldn't: James and the Giant Peach

Could: Matchbox 20.

Couldn't: A Ford Focus.

Could: An unassembled grill.

Couldn't: Three tyrannosaurus rex.

Could: The complete George A. Romero Zombie Movie Collection on DVD.

Couldn't: The implication of "etc."

Could: Air.

Couldn't: Half a whale.

Could: Matthew Broderick.

Couldn't: Oz.

Notes:

• Vampires!  If you're planning a trip to the Congo stock up on garlic, silver bullets, and sun.
  
• Congratulations to this woman!  You're famous!
  
• Remember!

Words that Start with "!"

It's official, India is going to the moon!  I guess they haven't heard the news; space race is over, and we won bitches!  I have a few theories why India may be launching this mission, and what they may do once they reach the moon

• Construct the moon's first convenience store 
• Own and operate a gas station
• Pollute it
• Eat it with lots of curry

I also have some ideas for what they should do, because I know Indian President Pratibha Patil is an avid fan of Written Noise

• Take the world's supply of curry to the moon, burry it, and never look back
• Leave an elephant there
• Project the movie Lage Raho Munna Bhai onto the sky using the Hubble Space Telescope
• Reinvent dancing
• Find Osama Bin Laden

That's all I've got.

Payce.

Stream of Idiocy

John McCain is ready to shake a midget!

Does anyone know who's in charge of Canada?  I really don't think there's anyone running shit up there.  This is a colossal epiphany!  It's kind of like Home Alone ("Oh my God! Where's Kevin?!"),  except with an entire nation.  And instead of a menacing 10 year old being missing, there's an entire leader missing.

I think I might go up to Canada and act dissatisfied with the whole general state of the country, then demand to see who's in charge.  It works at P.F. Changs, so why wouldn't it work in Canada?  If you don't see any connection between P.F. Changs and Canada that would allow me to compare the two, then the movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martians should clarify any questions.

In other news:

They just invented caffeinated potato chips, and I only have one thing to say: finally! 

They also just released caffeinated soap, and there's only one thing to do: CLICK!

Also!

I think Michael Jackson should be cloned and replace all current mannequins for both comedic and safety purposes.

This website should not exist: http://www.mannequindisplay.com/

I think Sesame Street advertising should become more widely acceptable.

"Sunday Night Football is brought to you by the alphabet; making words possible!" 

God knows that the alphabet could use some promotion here and there.  You hardly see it anywhere anymore!

Here's a useful link just incase you should encounter aliens.

A Brief Note

Everybody, check out this: Yesterday's Bake.

That's basically my sister blog written by neighbor, friend, and bearded man, Nick.  It is awesome.

I have a preposition for everyone.  Yes, grammar jokes are game.  When you're reading Written Noise imagine a character from the cast of Superbad, Anchorman, Family Guy, South Park, the Office, whatever you fancy, speaking the text from post.  I think it makes for a pretty entertaining read.

My dad called me today, I was at work so I didn't pick up.  Later I looked at my phone and saw I had a voicemail.  I listened to it.  My dad left me a long, elaborate pizza order that he said was from a guy named "Jose".  It was to be delivered to 75 Boulevard (not Watkins Blvd, or Old Spice Blvd.,  JUST Boulevard).  Jose also left an 8-digit phone number to reach him at.  Phone numbers are either 7-digits (without area code) or 9 (with area code), so this number was one number short or one number too long of being any kind of real phone number.  During the message he made no indication that he was my father, and indeed could have actually thought his name was Jose and that he was actually ordering a pizza.  I've made a note to call home to make sure he hasn't gotten into hardcore drugs, or become a landscaper...again.

Thanks Dad.

Ciao.

-Andrea

Punk'd Meets Milton Bradley

Today while in class, instead of learning I came up with a new game.  It's best played with 2-20 people (although more are possible), and can make any party, dance, or dinner date that much more exciting!

The object of the game is confuse the shit out of one person; a vulernable target works best.  Try blondes, children, mentally handicapped, and Alzheimer's patients for starters.  And there is only one rule for this game; don't allow the target near a mirror or any type of reflective surface.  So, with that, let's get to the game.

First, you need to pick your target.  Once that is done, you can either approach them solo if your in an empty room, or space, or you can get a whole group of people to help with the attack.  The more people you have, the greater potential you have for an epic game!

Once your target is picked, and your group assembled, approach them and say something along the lines of, "Hey, what happened to your ear?"  Now, obviously they cannot see their own ear, so they will immediately think, "Uh oh, there's something wrong with my ear!"  But here's the trick; there's nothing wrong with their ear at all!  Now is the time for you and all of your accomplices to stare confused, or even disgusted by the target's ear.  If you know anyone who can throw up on cue, use them.  Anyone who can make themselves cry, sign 'em up!  Fainter?  Yup.  Make it as ridiculously dramatic as humanly possible.  Have some one run around the room screaming in a language no one understands.  Someone reciting passages from the Bible while showering in Holy water.  Maybe even have someone gauge their eyes out.  The more chaotic the better.  Your subject won't only be confused by the orgy of panic that they've induced, but they'll really think there's something wrong with them!  Hilarious!

Just make sure your subject doesn't get anywhere near a mirror, because then they will in fact know that there is nothing horrifyingly wrong with their ear (or other body part).  In the event of this happening, yell "Code Red!" and run away making loud police siren noises while waving your hands in the air frantically.  That alone may put the subject into a confusion induced coma.

Well, that's basically the game, so drop by your local elementary school, homeless shelter, or training school and get started!  Once you've mastered those places you can try to play the game with real people.  Good luck!

Warning:  Attempts to play this game with elderly people may cause stroke, heart-attack, urination, naseau, and vomiting.  Consult their doctor before trying.

October: Oranges Time to Shine!

Warning: This post is surprisingly and unnecessarily offensive.

Offensive:  Elmo eating an Asian kid.

Eleven out of twelve months of the year the color orange is completely neglected and looked down upon as an outcast.  It's like the Jew of colors.  Nobody wants to be associated with it, live in it's neighborhood, or most importantly, have it for a mother.  But come October it's like pre-Holocaust Europe, orange is everywhere! 

Not only is October the most open-minded month of the year for accepting the color orange, but it's also one of the most exciting months!  No, not because of Halloween, Columbus Day, or Canadian Thanksgiving, but because it's Polish American Heritage Month (PAHM)!  You know what that means!  Everyone gets to dress up silly, eat meatballs, and have their yard conquered by their neighbor!  This may also include Blitzkrieg (specifically #3).  Yay Polish people!

Another reason October is awesome is because it is the only month that pumpkins exist.  We call this the Punxsutawny Phil effect.  The only true difference between the two is that pumpkins do not have the innate ability to primitively predict the fate of an entire season.

The best part of having pumpkins for one month are all the delicious foods that are derived from pumpkins; pies, cheesecakes, quiche etc.  And if you really want to go crazy, you can mix two October celebrations (the celebration of Polish American Heritage, and the celebration of pumpkins), and you can make pumpkin pierogi!  Delish.  But make sure you eat as much pumpkin product as possible by October 31, because by November 1 they'll all turn back into carriages (Happy PAHM!).

So, orange, enjoy your time in the spotlight now, because November is coming, and then no one will give a fuck about you for another eleven months.

Catch ya'll later.

  -Andrew

Steven Hawking Ain't Got Shit On Me!

So this is the big bang of my blogging career.  Exciting?  No.  Historic?  Yes!  I've been thinking about doing this for a while, but I keep putting it off,  like I do everything in my life.  Which can be problematic when I put off such things as eating, or breathing for example.

I'm not sure the direction of this "blog" yet.  I think it'll be half fun, half serious, all amazing!  I hope to post entertaining, if not bewildering!, text not quite as frequently as the New York Times, but more frequently than the Brockhaus Encyclopedia.

I guess the hot topic at the moment is fresh-out-of-the-closet emo-boy Kanye West.  Kanye has gone from being a badass who calls out the President on national television to a guy who cries on stage.  How emo!  His earlier songs have titles like, "We Don't Care", "Get Em High", and "Crack Music."  How thug!  Now his songs have titles like, "Love Lockdown", and "Heartless!" (If you thought the original "Love Lockdown" sucked, then check out this mashup!)  

The lyrics in Kanye's new songs prove his emo-transformation, "So you walk around like you don't know me/ You got a new friend, well I got homies/ But in the end it's still so lonely."  So emo!  But, Kanye gets gangsta points for the use of "homies."  The use of homies prevents white, non-gangsta emo-bands such as Death Cab for Cutie or I Would Set Myself on Fire for You, from covering Kanye's shizz (tight-panted emo-boys everywhere are creaming themselves over that bands name alone!).

Not to go off on a tangent, but what the fuck?!  What kind of a band name, or even statement is, "I would set myself on fire for you?!"  Where does setting yourself on fire get you exactly?  The hospital, maybe?  But it sure as hell won't get you a girl (or man if you are of the inferior gender... or gay.  Just kidding! Love ya fags and hos!)! There is nothing that turns a girl off more than being on fire.  Nothing.  Anyway... 

Besides going totally gay for emo, Kanye West has also gone insane.  Check out his blog.  It's more or less a Toys R Us catalog for Kanye.  Half of his blog looks like Ikea in the year 2038 (we never used to say "in the year" in the '90s, what happened?!).  He shows us some weird lamp he either wants, owns, or invented in his free time. 

He also posts pictures of spaceships, ear pencil sharpeners (probably the most disturbing thing ever), and Ellen Degeneres.  What do those three things have in common?  Kanye owns all of them!  As well as Fonzworth Bentley!  Yes, the umbrella guy from the Outkast video.  Kanye West owns him!  Unbelievable!

Well, I'm tired of typing and hyperlinking... so here's a few closing things I think are funny and/or incredible!:

• Death by stereotype.
• This guy's general appearance. 
• Stuff White People Like.
• Stuff Black People Hate.
• Barack Obama.

Peace & Love Homies!

Andrew