Hey, hi, sorry, okay.
I recently came to a very shocking, very important realization: I haven't written on my blog in nearly a fortnight! Seriously! A fortnight!
I would like to lay the blame on a broken "P" key on my computer keyboard, which has plagued my life, socially, academically, and ethically. (I was actually forced to use a different computer, with a working "P" key, in order to write this blog.) For the last month I have been substituting the letter "P" with it's brother: lowercase "Q". You may think, "Where's the logic in that?" Honestly, I'm not sure, and, shut the fuck up! Don't fucking ask questions. The only letter that looks like a "p" is "q". Yeah, "R" does look like "P" with an extra "leg" or whatever you call it. Stanza? And "B" is a "P" with a baby on board. "F" is a "P" without a face, "D" is a "P" with down syndrome, but none of these options work quite as well. They just aren't as similar looking. If you ever see a sentence with what looks like a misplaced lowercase "Q" try putting a mirror up to the text. If the word makes more sense as a "P" then you know the author has a broken "P" key, and has employed my tyqing strategy. See that was supposed to be a "P", did you catch that?
Being without the "P" key for the last month really made typing interesting. The simple sentence, "Paul pleasured platypuses pornographically pretending politely to pork Pakistani Pilgrams," would look more like, "qual qleasured qlatyquses qornograqhically qretending qolitely to qork qakistani qilgrams." Kind of goofy looking, huh? The most ridiculous part of this whole ordeal though, is the fact that I've been doing this for a MONTH! The worst part is that now I think "Q" and "P" are interchangeable. I asked an English professor at my school, he's says that they definitely aren't, and asked if I attended school here. When I responded "Yes," he handed me a mop and told me to drop out.
I'm just bound to fuck up this P&Q thing. "Every man has the right to trial by jury of queers." This sentence is just waiting to happen. Waiting like a fat chick for dinner.
I don't think it's a coincidence that there's that old saying, "Mind your P's and Q's!" It must have something to do with the similarity of the lowercase versions of the two letters. Or fruits? Mind your pears and quats?
There's more though! Not only is my "P" not working, but my semicolon, question mark, and colon aren't working. I mean, my colon is working, but not my colon key. And by key I mean the small square that lays in the insert below the "P" that allows for the colon to function. You can imagine how frustrating, and even inhibiting, this is. Whenever I've had to ask people questions on iChat or e-mail etc, I've had to type out the word "question mark." This is embarrassing. A lot of questions aren't recognized as questions unless a "?" is included. If meant as a question, but without a question mark, the sentence, "You want to go to a movie," is just an awkward thing to say. I am not Yoda, I cannot will people to do things. Imagine if someone said that to you in statement, not question, form. Imagine it with an exclamation point, "You want to go to a movie!" That's just a fucking stupid thing to say. Of course, you can add the simple preposition "Do" to make it unmistakably a question, but pfft, who has time to type a word like "do"?
Anyway, my version of the question would usually look like: "You want to go to a movie question mark." This makes no fucking sense in any sense of the sense. Even if you say, "You want to go to a movie (question mark)," it still looks dumb as fuck, and your friends will think you're either, a.) illiterate, b.) dumb as fuck, c.) gay, or d.) all of the above, which is the triple entante, in which case, in Japanese culture, you are required by law to kill yourself to avoid the embarrassment of being French. This is not something I want to do, so I Apple+C'd a "?" and my Apple+V keys have been getting a good workout whenever I ask questions, or make confused statements; "Huh?", "Whaa?", "Gunt?".
So now I sit, with my glass of non-fat milk and shitty Ralph's brand peanut butter- which has found its way allover my hands and keyboard-and I'm about to finish my first blog in a hwhile. This may be the longest blog ever in the history of ever, so I don't expect anyone to read this far. And if you have, STOP! You're wasting your life. Actually, you should probably just finish out, it's pretty much over. It's like walking out of a movie with only one scene left just so you can beat the traffic. Yeah, sure, you'll get out of the theater and get home before everyone else does, but you won't know how the fucking thing ended! What the fuck is the point in that?! You spent 27 fucking dollars to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua", so stay the last 3 fucking minutes to see if the dog lives or dies! It dies, but Jesus, come on!
Good to be back.
Bye.
