Happy Birthday Jesus Turkey!

So today is Thanksgiving.  Thank God!  I haven't ate in nearly three weeks in preparation for this day.  I've whittled down to 73 lbs, which is quite healthy by Nicole Richard standards.  I can see bones I didn't even know existed!   It's quite educational actually.  I've found an entirely new respect for anorexics.  They don't want to be thin to look good, they want to be thin to learn about the human anatomy, which is very altruistic of them.

I don't want this Thanksgiving edition of Written Noise to be too long, so I'll get back to the point.  

Thanksgiving is a day to eat like you want to be damned for all eternity.  Remember, gluttony is a sin!  Not just any sin though, it's No. 2 of the Seven Deadly Sins (height on the list is relevant)!  So for all you God-fearing Christians, make sure you keep that in mind!  The typical dinner may only get you a 10,000 year sentence of ass-reaming by Hitler, but dessert, man!  If you value the length of enternity by any means, then stay away from dessert!  Dessert will get you gang-banged by by a group of deceased Mexican Mafia members while Amy Whinehouse endlessly shits in your mouth (yes, she's in Hell already).  This is all fact. It can all be seen on the Moral Nutrition Facts labels now on all packaged foods.  This label not only shows the amount of calories, fat, sodium, carbs, etc. a food product has, but the moral ramifications of eating said product.  It was really pushed by the Society of Christian Ethics...   

Back to Thanksgiving...

You should also keep in mind that there are millions of people starving in Africa, so when you go for that fifth serving of Mom's cranberry and walnut stuffing, feel guilty.  Feel really guilty, fucker.  Nobody needs that much fucking stuffing.  Jesus.   And for all you ladies out there, this is the one day of the year you get to eat like one of the boys.  You can stuff your maw till it overflows with grease and meat liquids, and no one will say a word.  Cherish this day, because tomorrow you have to go back to starving yourselves so that men will find you attractive.

Oh yeah, and for all the Indians, remember all your ancestors that were slaughtered to make America and Thanksgiving possible.  If we hadn't taken over all their land we never would have been able to invent corn and potato chips.  We also wouldn't have been able to teach them how to build casinos and make all natural tobacco products.  We really made Indians the success story they are today.  Indians now have more respect than Jews even.  Indians have sports teams, and car companies, and SUVs named after them, do you see GMC (laughing should ensue at the mention of GMC) rolling out the "Jeep Grand Judah?"  No!  Fuck no!  Indians are just that much more respected and loved.  You Indians really owe us.

Happy Thanksgiving!