The Inconvenience of Giants (Revisited)

(Note: I'm going back to my original format.  Clicking the links is necessary.  The links compliment the writing, like how Judas complimented Jesus.)

 

(Note the puffin in the corner.  Puffins are funny in name and appearance.  Double funny points.  Circle gets the square.)

I was thinking earlier, wouldn't it be cool if giants existed and were kept as pets?  They could move stuff, or crush stuff you don't like, or catch you dinner!

But then I realized that giants a.) would never be kept as pets, that idea is more ridiculous than the lyrics to "Summer Girl" by LFO, and b.) the existence of giants would be worse than Pearl Harbor.

A world with giants would be horribly inconvenient.  I think there's even a non-fiction book called The Big Fucking Guy (above) about the terribleness and inonvenienceness of the existence of factual giants.  Since we live in a world of equality everything would have to be made usable by regular people and giants as well.  Which would be cool at first because everything would just seem like novelty props, and those are cool.  

Just imagine phones!  and imagine chapstick!  In order to put chapstick on you'd have to chapstick your entire face.  If you thought magnum condoms were big, imagine Giant condoms!  They'd be body condoms, for sure.  Pleasure and suffocation guaranteed!

Driving would be a lot more fun though.  People cars would look like Matchbox cars compared to giants' Tonka-sized behemoths.  We would all know how Smart car owners feel.  This rates an 8 on the Silly Scale.   

Our freeways would go from the hellish nightmares they are now, to Monster Truck Madness.

(Why are monster truck rallies only on Sundays?  Monster truck rallies are nothing like other things that are on Sundays... like church or bad store hours.)

Imagine if all furniture, homes, and home appliances were made uni-species, for people and giants.  Everything would be inappropriately large.   People would get lost in couches.  More than they do now.  Babies would get killed by their toys.  Nerf guns would be similar to Revolutionary War-era cannons.  Homes would have cathedral ceilings at all times.  And I imagine it would take a team of highly trained Vikings to use a blender.

And in response to a question asked by Kanye West: "Does anybody make real shit anymore?"

Yes.  That elephant pooped a kid.

Stay Classy San Diego.